SPFPP Episode 176: How We Don't Talk About Sex
We have a BUNCH of bullet points here from this podcast episode below. Thank you so much to our guest for opening up as much as she did because it honestly opened my eyes to HSV support group dynamics and highlights just how we DON’T talk about sex.
Group dynamics and violations of boundaries
Felt uncomfortable with many personal messages from strangers which felt good initially with positivity turned compliments
It took a day or two for this to happen shortly after she posted her introduction
Reminder that spaces I invite people into are extensions of me so I need to set expectations
THAT ONE GUY IN THE GROUP WHO KEEPS MESSAGING OVER AND OVER
Addressing the overwhelm of attention in the group
Diagnosed with Genital HSV1 New Year's Day 2019
Was in a relationship 4-5 months when diagnosed and STIs weren’t on the radar.
She got her herpes receiving oral from her bf with a history of cold sores which no one asks about because we’re not taught to.
Comforting herself with the mantra “This is just a yeast infection”. The side eye from the nurse knocked that mantra out.
Presenting lesions that were swabbed, afterwards, she overheard chatter in the hallway “Have you told her?” which was humiliating as a patient.
Unaware that cold sores are herpes and could pass on genitally
Cried with her boyfriend and they tried to comfort one another
Got very sick the day after finding out she had herpes
Mom assumed her boyfriend cheated and that wasn’t what she needed, she needed comfort
Stayed in the relationship 1.5 years after official diagnosis
She received her test results from someone who couldn’t tell her what type of HSV she had for some reason even though she already knew. Speaks volumes to inconsistency
Who should deliver a diagnosis? A patient care advocate? On staff sex professional?
Delivery of her traumatic diagnosis did not help
Herpes brought up past trauma, specifically an assault that had occurred and the shame resurfaced after pretending it didn’t happen and not processing. After her diagnosis this came to the forefront.
Was uncomfortable with therapy and attempted to deal alone but it wasn’t working. She became disgusted with her body even in the mirror by herpes and assault.
Don’t make excuses or blame yourself and as much as it sucks, you gotta process it.
Supporting survivors looks like holding judgment free space for the other person
Repressing feelings can show up during alone times
Prescribed antidepressants after a follow up appointment gave her an opportunity to plan out her suicide attempt because from her diagnosis. She was gonna down them.
There’s no RIGHT way to deliver a diagnosis. It’s all situational
Sexual health IS Mental health
Realizing she had genital herpes, but her bf had oral herpes, not genital. Look at the stigma and disconnect there in the relationship with jealousy based on location.
He broke up with her as the relationship was becoming “toxic” and she wouldn’t entertain the idea of it ending.
Elaborate on toxic so we can catch it and call it out.
Being single can be isolating when you have herpes so it’s hard to talk to people about it