When a partner changes their mind

by Courtney Warren Brame Hi Courtney,

My boyfriend and I are going through a breakup. We dated for 3.5 years and one of his main reasons for breaking up is having to use condoms. He doesn’t have herpes, and I do. That’s some of the deepest heartache I’ve been through over the years. The hope that finding an understanding partner gives you, and then when they change their minds it’s extra tough. I’ve been suicidal about it in the past (leaving me feeling like damaged goods; I come from a conservative family so haven’t been able to open up to them), but time and inner work have me in a stronger place today.

Can this issue be added as a topic for a video (when once understanding partners change their minds and depart)? Is there a chat room we could set up for supporting each other through this type of thing? I know there’s one on the Positive Singles app, but I like your group better.

Thank you for everything you do for the group! Huge hugs!!!!

Warmly,

Anonymous

I’d like to first thank you for reaching out and for sharing this with me to be shared as a potential lighthouse calling in others of this shared experience.

I have a few questions to put out here and I’ll answer them according to what I think is being asked based on the information we have available to us.

You and your boyfriend “have” to use condoms. “Have to” is an interesting word choice

1. Is this his choice?

2. Is this your choice?

3. Is this an assumption?

If this is his choice to wear condoms and move forward, I’d like to believe this means he is understanding of and accepting of the risk of possibly being exposed to the herpes virus. People can shed the virus “genitally” in the pelvic region where boxer shorts would normally cover up the area. A condom only covers the penis if we are assuming an external condom being used. If this is his choice to continue wearing a condom and now YOU don’t want to wear a condom, we just have to respect what makes our partner feel safe as long as it isn’t inhibiting our safety as well. If he wants to wear condoms and you don’t want to wear condoms, I think that is just one single incompatibility that can’t be worked through, and rightfully, the relationship should end if this is as important to you as this seems.

If ending the relationship because YOU want to wear condoms and he doesn’t let’s look at that. There is always a potential for exposure to herpes whether we do or don’t use condoms. Perhaps your partner always wanting to wear a condom is triggering your feelings of disconnectedness. It can also feel like you aren’t as close to the person you want to feel closest to, and wearing a condom for some folks can be triggering to the fact that people don’t feel “safe” being intimate with you. That ongoing reminder tends to go away for some of us when a partner decides they would like to forego barriers as shown in the 2021 SPFPP Survey more than 70% of people with herpes engaged in consensual sex without use of barriers with a partner who has a negative HSV status. This can negatively contribute to one’s emotional well-being, as it’s just as traumatizing to be reminded of the distance between yourself and the kind of sex you want to have with someone. Understand that there may be some internal conflict between “safe” sex and condom use, respecting and or protecting your partner from exposure to the virus, but if your partner is okay with the risk and all test results are to the others’ liking, what’s the barrier to removing the barrier? It’s just as important for us to realize OUR risk tolerance and be cognizant of that as it is for us to look out for their health. It is an emotional roller coaster to be diagnosed with herpes, so it is understood why you would want to PREVENT a person from being diagnosed with it, but if they see you’re worth it, why can’t you see you’re worth it?

We often default to the fact that the CDC says wearing condoms prevents STIs, when that isn’t 100% true. Wearing condoms CORRECTLY 100% of the time and the right size and under appropriate conditions MINIMIZES the possibility of STI transmission, but it does not bring it to zero. If you are using condoms exclusively because you assume this is how to prevent yourself from passing herpes on to a partner, you have to ask yourself and your partner, “what happens if you get this?” I encourage this conversation between discordant couples, and while for this person, it sounds like that conversation may have been had or not, but the person changed their mind about how they felt, which, consent is revocable at any time, but that does still suck and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this after so long especially. After 3.5 years for him to still test negative speaks to another SPFPP statistic that shows more than 70% of discordant partners have NOT gone on to pass herpes on to the partner who didn’t have it. This information is not common knowledge, so perhaps we assume that when we have sex with someone they’ll get herpes, and they assume having sex with us, we’ll give it to them. Survey says that all these assumptions are up for being challenged and they should.

I brought this up to some people with herpes and everyone agrees this is a terrible situation regardless what the reason is for condoms being an issue. Some people ALWAYS wear condoms to avoid pregnancy, others for the reasons I listed above, but we all agree that the work you’ve done on yourself in order to get to the place of asking that question and seeking support needs to be recognized because breakups aren’t easy, especially when this feels like something so out of your control. The emotions you’re experiencing right now are hopefully getting lighter as you share and extend an invitation for community. Where now there isn’t a community that exists exclusively for this, Something Positive for Positive People does facilitate various events like workshops, Yoga classes, and offers 1-1 support calls for people struggling with herpes stigma. Not to be that guy who goes “Have you tried Yoga?” but I strongly encourage it in this community, especially to be supported as you navigate these complex emotions and get yourself back out there to find the love you want.

Courtney

Source URL: https://www.pornhub.com/sex/partner-changes-mind/

Manicure gave Portland customer genital herpes virus, lawsuit alleges

Updated: Mar. 15, 2024, 5:05 p.m. Published: Mar. 15, 2024, 7:00 a.m.

A 23-year-old Portland woman's fingers are pictured here after she was infected with the herpes simplex virus 2, according to her lawsuit. The suit says she acquired the virus during a manicure.Courtesy of Amity Girt

By Aimee Green | The Oregonian/OregonLive

A $1.75 million lawsuit claims a customer contracted the genital herpes virus while getting a manicure at a Portland salon that had poor hygiene practices.

The suit, filed last week in Multnomah County Circuit Court, states that the 23-year-old Portland woman went to the PDX Nails salon near Northeast 122nd and Glisan Street to get an acrylic nails manicure in June 2023. The suit states that the nail technician didn’t wear gloves and stored drill bits used as part of the manicure in an Altoids tin.

All according to the suit: After the manicure, the woman noticed some inflammation and swelling around two of her fingers and began to feel ill. Four days out, painful blisters had formed around one of her fingers and she sought help at a Kaiser Permanente urgent care clinic, where medical staff swabbed the blisters. The results came back positive for an infection – herpetic whitlow – which is caused by the herpes simplex virus 2, also known as the genital herpes virus.

The suit states that the woman didn’t have herpes before her manicure. Since her first infection, the virus has flared up multiple times, despite her use of antiviral medication, the suit states.

The suit lists the salon and Tam Nguyen and Hai Nguyen as defendants. Tam Nguyen, who is listed in state records as a manager, declined to comment. A message for Hai Nguyen, who is listed as the owner, wasn’t returned.

Documented instances of herpes transferred through manicures are rare, but some cases have emerged in courts across the country. In 2002, a jury awarded a Colorado woman $3.1 million after finding she contracted herpes from a manicure using non-sterile instruments.

Lawsuits faulting others for spreading herpes through sexual intercourse also have succeeded. In 2012, a Multnomah County jury awarded a Portland woman $900,000 after she contracted herpes from her date, who had sex with her without informing her of his status.

Last week’s lawsuit notes that the defendant, PDX Nails, operates two Portland locations. The second location, also run by Tam Nguyen, had been fined $500 by Oregon’s Health Licensing Office and Board of Cosmetology in 2021 for “failing to disinfect used tools” that “come in direct contact (with) a client” and that an inspector found “used drilling bits on the workstation.” The location also was fined another $500 for failing to properly clean foot spa equipment.

Those violations and others founded against nail salons, however, aren’t viewable by the public online. The Oregonian/OregonLive received copies through a public record request.

The lawsuit’s plaintiff is identified only by the letters “S.R.” She told The Oregonian/OregonLive that she was shocked to find out the source of what has now turned out to be multiple outbreaks. She thought the genital herpes virus was only a sexually transmitted disease.

When those flare-ups do occur, she said she has to frequently wash her hands, avoid handshakes and keep her affected finger or fingers covered with Band-Aids because the virus is contagious. Those bandages, at times, have prompted questions.

“People have asked ‘What happened to your finger?” she said. “I don’t want to tell them what it really is because it’s really embarrassing.”

Because there is no cure, she said she also will need to continue to be cautious around her future children, if she has them.

S.R. said she had been getting manicures since she was a girl of about 8 or 9 years old, when she would accompany her mom to salons. Through the years, she had often associated them with fun, such as an activity she’d take part in during birthday parties or girls’ nights out. Her view has since changed.

“The flare-ups can be super, super painful,” she said. “It’s always on my mind.”

The suit was filed by Portland attorney Amity Girt.

– Aimee Green covers breaking news and the justice system. Reach her at 503-294-5119, agreen@oregonian.com or @o_aimee.

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Just Diagnosed With Herpes—Should I Only Date People Who Have It Too?

by Courtney Warren Brame

When someone is newly diagnosed with a health condition that is contagious, I think it’s normal to have the thought of “nobody wants this.” I think about COVID, a cold, the flu, etc. The thing about those is that they take you out for several days, and some still haven’t and or may never fully recover. Do people say that about HSV-1 and HSV-2, which are conditions as well? The quick answer is no.

What’s the difference between these conditions and herpes? The symptoms of course, but let’s set that aside and focus on the core of the issue which is the “how” of acquisition and transmission, sexual contact, which is debatable considering many HSV1 cases initially occurred for people in childhood. How can something we got from a loving relationship with family members as youth grow to become so psychologically harmful to where 48% of people diagnosed with herpes have experienced suicide ideation?

Sex. That’s really what this boils down to. How we view sex is often how our diagnosis impacts those of us who test positive for herpes. Almost everyone I’ve had 1-1 herpes support calls with has expressed regretting the sexual encounter they believed to have exposed them to the herpes virus (which, we cannot 100% confirm when, how, or who we got this virus from at this time, and it is only speculation based off one’s interpretation of circumstances). They often say, “I knew I shouldn’t have had sex with this person” or “there were red flags.” Rarely is it ever that they knew this person tested positive for herpes, was disclosed to, and then they decided to move forward with the relationship. That said, it’s easy to go down the road of thinking, “well if they weren’t being fast, then they wouldn’t have gotten herpes.” To that statement, my reply is that just as often that I hear from people who regret the person they may have gotten herpes from, there is an equal number of people who’ve been in long term relationships where no one knew of either person’s status, and they’re re-entering the dating world with this new diagnosis. So let’s not be so quick to judge because an exposure to herpes can happen to anybody.

The CDC has a quick fact sheet for anyone who needs a rundown on the virus. By now if you’ve found this article and are asking this question, I’m sure you’re pretty well-versed on the basics so we’ll just stick with answering your question about whether or not you should only date people living with herpes. I encourage you to finish THIS article and then head over to read my previous article, which talks about dating someone who does NOT have herpes as someone who DOES have herpes.

The Benefits of Dating Someone Who ALSO Has Herpes

Let’s begin with the benefits of dating someone who also has herpes. There are a lot of things we don’t have to worry about like disclosure, rejection, getting it (again), passing it on, and their reluctance to contracting it. Now each of these seems quite self-explanatory, but let me be the first to tell you that each of these are way more complex than they are on the surface…as is a herpes diagnosis. I’ll go into some detail for each of these so that you can understand some considerations as you decide whether to only date others who have herpes or not.

You Don’t Have to Disclose

I used to say, “When everybody knows, nobody can find out.” That’s my rule though, not yours, and while the word “disclose” is used here for the sake of making sense to the broad audience who’ll read this, this isn’t a confession that you have herpes. A lot of people feel like it’s a confession, when really it’s an invitation for a discussion. While you don’t have to disclose, there is still a conversation to be had about sexual health. If you aren’t there yet in your journey, there are dating sites for people living with herpes that allows you to filter people who also have herpes. This takes the burden off having to disclose if you fear rejection for your positive status.

Rejection Doesn’t Live Here

Rejection for herpes goes out the window when you date someone who also has it. There’s no pressure of “when” or “how” you’re going to disclose (if you need to know that, check out this article). The pressure that builds up leading to the conversation really does come at the expense of one’s ability to be present. If you fear rejection for your herpes status, and you choose to only date people with herpes, do understand that while THAT form of rejection goes away, there is still the possibility of experiencing rejection for some other reason. In the dating game, choosing to only date people with herpes may allow for you to be fully present during the date with the person so that they can see who you truly are without the burden of carrying the fear of rejection with you.

Getting It Again

While there are two main types of herpes, HSV1 and HSV2, there’s a lingering fear of having “both” herpes if you’re someone who is newly diagnosed. Some people who have one type of herpes will only choose to date folks with the same type. This doesn’t exempt you from getting something worse than “the other” herpes like a broken heart. For those diagnosed with both types of herpes, you may initially find it challenging to accept because you yourself may not believe that someone’s going to put themselves at “double the risk,” but you’d be surprised.

One of my first podcast interviews with a doctor about the difference between HSV1 and HSV2 was an absolute shock for me. He said that nobody wants to associate kids with an STD. When I heard that, all the things I thought I knew about type 1 and type 2 from a stigma perspective went out the window. That was liberating for me and I was able to more freely date people I liked regardless of the type of herpes they had. Think about it, the medication is the same for each, the expression is the same for each, and the TYPE isn’t stigmatized, it’s the location that’s stigmatized. So while you may have HSV in one location and may fear getting the other “type,” I invite you to consider if it’s the type or the location that’s the issue.

Passing It On

As mentioned above, it is all about location. Some people who get cold sores refuse to accept that oral herpes lead to genital herpes. Some people who get genital herpes are thankful they can keep that hidden from the world and not face any public stigma for having it on their face. When dating someone who also has herpes, that fear of passing it on is alleviated for the most part. Recall how you may have felt upon your diagnosis. Now imagine revisiting that again when you believe yourself to be at fault AND feeling guilt in having to support someone through that. Scary, right? Well, dating someone who has it has already been through that so if you cross-types so to speak, that process is likely to be something to just laugh about. I keep referencing the www.spfpp.org/data survey but it’s relevant again to mention that more than 70% of people who had a consenting sexual partner who was either HSV negative or didn’t have symptoms said they hadn’t passed it on. So if 70% something of people are NOT passing it on to partners per the survey responses, then what’s the likelihood of doing so with someone whose body already has experience with the virus? Just a thought. So the fear of passing herpes on to your partner is minimized.

Partner’s Reluctance To Contracting It

Nobody WANTS herpes. I’ll acknowledge the few people in relationships where the partner who has it is so afraid of passing it on that the sex is trash, leading to the non-positive partner just wanting to get it over with so they can stop using condoms. Yes this is a thing. But when dating someone who also has HSV, you don’t have to deal with those added layers of safety precautions that can minimize you to just an infection. I hear about people in discordant relationships who don’t have sex often, they wear latex gloves for foreplay, apply Reynolds wrap to their boxer region for penetration, use barriers for oral (nothing wrong with this, just not for me), and wash their hands between touches. Do you know how much GOOD sex you are missing out on because of how big of a deal can be made about this virus? There are people who genuinely don’t care about contracting herpes and I know it because I’ve met and interviewed them on my podcast. But you, as someone choosing to only date someone with herpes are here for the benefits so there’s a LOT more freedom and presence in a sexual relationship where sex without those thoughts crossing your mind can occur. The absence of reluctance, hesitance, and resistance really does allow for us to be present in the moment with our sexual partner(s), which…is the hands down hottest sex you can have. So if you choose to have sex only with people who have herpes for THIS reason, I understand.

Final Considerations

Is this a choice? Really ask yourself that question. If you’re making this choice to only date others who have herpes out of fear, then is that a choice really? If you’re choosing because of a reason listed above or something else, then let that be the intention you lead with. I wish you the best in your searches, and hope that you’ll choose to look at your choice of a partner beyond the limitations of sharing a health condition. Fear-led relationships don’t last because the stress of compromising who you are will kill you way sooner than loneliness in a relationship caused by fear of rejection ever will. Reflect on your intentions with the relationships you’re seeking. One way to do that is through a mindfulness meditation and presence practice, which you can explore at www.spfpp.org/yoga. Happy dating!

Source Article: https://www.pornhub.com/sex/concordant-dating/

The Black Man with Herpes

UNDERSTANDING THE STIGMA

Herpes is a common virus affecting millions of people worldwide, yet it remains ensconced in stigma and misconceptions. The stigma associated with herpes is often a painful addition to the physical symptoms of the virus. This is especially pronounced among Black communities, where health-related stigmas can be compounded by a history of medical mistrust and societal prejudices. A Black man navigating the journey of a herpes diagnosis must not only confront the health implications but also the weight of racial and sexual stigma.

Why does herpes stigma persist? Despite being a non-life-threatening condition, herpes incites fear and discrimination. This is partly due to the way herpes is framed in society - not as a common and manageable health issue, but as a dirty secret, a punchline, or a moral failing. Yet the reality is herpes is incredibly common: it's estimated that about one in six people aged 14 to 49 in the United States have genital herpes caused by the HSV-2 infection.

ADDRESSING THE INTERSECTION OF RACE AND STIGMA

For Black men, the stigma around herpes operates on multiple levels. Racial stereotypes about hypersexuality and irresponsibility can make the diagnosis even more challenging, fueling a vicious cycle of shame and isolation. The stereotypes and assumptions about Black men's sexuality intersect with herpes stigma, creating a unique and profound impact on their mental and emotional well-being.

• Hypersexuality myth: The harmful myth that Black men are sexually promiscuous contributes to the stigmatization of those living with herpes, implying that their diagnosis was a result of careless behavior.

• Social and historical context: The legacy of medical exploitation of Black individuals in the US, such as the Tuskegee Syphilis Study, exacerbates mistrust in healthcare systems, which can lead to delays in seeking diagnosis and treatment.

• Marginalization: Black men often face additional layers of marginalization that can intensify the experience of living with herpes, including economic disparities and access to healthcare.

PERSONAL NARRATIVE: A JOURNEY BEYOND DIAGNOSIS

Imagine the story of Michael, a fictitious character who represents the experiences of many Black men faced with a herpes diagnosis. Michael felt an immense crushing weight upon learning of his positive status for HSV-2. Once the initial shock subsided, he found himself confronting the stereotypes and misconceptions head-on.

"I remember sitting in the clinic after my diagnosis, feeling like somehow I'd failed as a man," Michael recalls. "Not just because I had herpes, but because I felt like I was reinforcing every negative stereotype out there. And that thought hurt more than the diagnosis itself."

Michael's narrative reflects the following issues:

• Cultural silence: Within many Black communities, there's often reluctance to discuss sexual health openly, making it more difficult for individuals like Michael to find support and information.

• Self-stigma: Internalizing the stigma can lead to feelings of shame and self-blame. Michael struggled with this, feeling like he had to keep his diagnosis a secret to avoid judgment.

• Dating and disclosure: One of the most anxiety-inducing aspects of Michael's journey was the fear of having to disclose his status to potential partners. The possibility of rejection based on an aspect of his sexual health was daunting.

As Michael navigated the rough waters of stigma and discrimination, he realized that the path forward involved not just confronting society's misconceptions, but also addressing his own internalized stigma.

*** To be continued ***

CHALLENGING STIGMA THROUGH EDUCATION AND SUPPORT

To combat the persistent stigma and aid those facing a herpes diagnosis, education and support are crucial weapons. Myths and misinformation must be dispelled with facts, and individuals like Michael need a community that stands by them, reminding them that a herpes diagnosis is not a reflection of their worth or character.

The role of sexual health service providers and therapists becomes vital here. They have the power to rewrite the narrative by offering comprehensive education, empathy, and understanding in their dialogue with patients. By focusing on these strategies, professionals can contribute significantly to reducing the stigma:

• Medical Facts over Myths: Presenting factual information about herpes, including its prevalence and management, can help demystify the virus and reduce unwarranted fear and shame.

• Affirming Language: Being conscious of language is essential. Avoid words that carry moral judgment, such as "clean" or "dirty," when discussing herpes or any STI status.

• Personal Empowerment: Encourage patients like Michael to assert control over their own narrative by empowering them with coping strategies and knowledge about their condition.

• Support Networks: Foster connections to support groups and communities that validate individuals' experiences and promote solidarity among those living with herpes.

By integrating these approaches, healthcare professionals not only empower their clients but also play a role in the broader effort to dismantle the stigma surrounding herpes and its intersection with race. It's a push towards a society where individuals are no longer burdened by the weight of a diagnosis tied to cultural prejudice and misinformation.

EMPOWERING RELATIONSHIPS AND POSITIVE SELF-IMAGE

In the journey beyond stigma, having open discussions about sexuality and health with potential partners is essential. For many, this begins with self-acceptance. Accepting one's herpes status and understanding that it does not diminish one's value or desirability is the first step in fostering healthy relationships.

Service providers and therapists should guide their clients through the process of disclosure, emphasizing that while rejection is a possibility, it is also an opportunity to find someone who respects and accepts them fully. Michael, and others like him, can be reassured that it is possible to have a fulfilling romantic and sexual life after diagnosis—it requires honesty, vulnerability, and trust. Moreover, their personal worth and identity extend far beyond their herpes status.

A CALL TO ACTION

The journey to destigmatize herpes, particularly among Black men, is not one to be walked alone. It is a collaborative effort that requires the ongoing commitment of healthcare professionals, educators, advocates, and individuals in their personal spheres.

By understanding the multi-faceted nature of herpes stigma and taking a proactive stance, we begin to create an environment of compassion, understanding, and acceptance. It is these qualities that will ultimately break down the barriers of stigma and enable individuals like Michael to embrace their lives fully, without the shadow of shame cast by a simple virus.

As we collectively rewrite the scripts of sexuality and health in our communities, we not only uplift those among us who are impacted by herpes but also strengthen the bonds of empathy and support that define us as a society. Let's take that step forward together.

This concludes our journey on understanding and navigating herpes stigma. For additional resources, or to join the conversation on challenging health stigmas, visit www.spfpp.org.

This article was AI-enabled but reviewed and edited by the Something Positive for Positive People staff.