Just Diagnosed With Herpes—Should I Only Date People Who Have It Too?
When someone is newly diagnosed with a health condition that is contagious, I think it’s normal to have the thought of “nobody wants this.” I think about COVID, a cold, the flu, etc. The thing about those is that they take you out for several days, and some still haven’t and or may never fully recover. Do people say that about HSV-1 and HSV-2, which are conditions as well? The quick answer is no.
What’s the difference between these conditions and herpes? The symptoms of course, but let’s set that aside and focus on the core of the issue which is the “how” of acquisition and transmission, sexual contact, which is debatable considering many HSV1 cases initially occurred for people in childhood. How can something we got from a loving relationship with family members as youth grow to become so psychologically harmful to where 48% of people diagnosed with herpes have experienced suicide ideation?
Sex. That’s really what this boils down to. How we view sex is often how our diagnosis impacts those of us who test positive for herpes. Almost everyone I’ve had 1-1 herpes support calls with has expressed regretting the sexual encounter they believed to have exposed them to the herpes virus (which, we cannot 100% confirm when, how, or who we got this virus from at this time, and it is only speculation based off one’s interpretation of circumstances). They often say, “I knew I shouldn’t have had sex with this person” or “there were red flags.” Rarely is it ever that they knew this person tested positive for herpes, was disclosed to, and then they decided to move forward with the relationship. That said, it’s easy to go down the road of thinking, “well if they weren’t being fast, then they wouldn’t have gotten herpes.” To that statement, my reply is that just as often that I hear from people who regret the person they may have gotten herpes from, there is an equal number of people who’ve been in long term relationships where no one knew of either person’s status, and they’re re-entering the dating world with this new diagnosis. So let’s not be so quick to judge because an exposure to herpes can happen to anybody.
The CDC has a quick fact sheet for anyone who needs a rundown on the virus. By now if you’ve found this article and are asking this question, I’m sure you’re pretty well-versed on the basics so we’ll just stick with answering your question about whether or not you should only date people living with herpes. I encourage you to finish THIS article and then head over to read my previous article, which talks about dating someone who does NOT have herpes as someone who DOES have herpes.
The Benefits of Dating Someone Who ALSO Has Herpes
Let’s begin with the benefits of dating someone who also has herpes. There are a lot of things we don’t have to worry about like disclosure, rejection, getting it (again), passing it on, and their reluctance to contracting it. Now each of these seems quite self-explanatory, but let me be the first to tell you that each of these are way more complex than they are on the surface…as is a herpes diagnosis. I’ll go into some detail for each of these so that you can understand some considerations as you decide whether to only date others who have herpes or not.
You Don’t Have to Disclose
I used to say, “When everybody knows, nobody can find out.” That’s my rule though, not yours, and while the word “disclose” is used here for the sake of making sense to the broad audience who’ll read this, this isn’t a confession that you have herpes. A lot of people feel like it’s a confession, when really it’s an invitation for a discussion. While you don’t have to disclose, there is still a conversation to be had about sexual health. If you aren’t there yet in your journey, there are dating sites for people living with herpes that allows you to filter people who also have herpes. This takes the burden off having to disclose if you fear rejection for your positive status.
Rejection Doesn’t Live Here
Rejection for herpes goes out the window when you date someone who also has it. There’s no pressure of “when” or “how” you’re going to disclose (if you need to know that, check out this article). The pressure that builds up leading to the conversation really does come at the expense of one’s ability to be present. If you fear rejection for your herpes status, and you choose to only date people with herpes, do understand that while THAT form of rejection goes away, there is still the possibility of experiencing rejection for some other reason. In the dating game, choosing to only date people with herpes may allow for you to be fully present during the date with the person so that they can see who you truly are without the burden of carrying the fear of rejection with you.
Getting It Again
While there are two main types of herpes, HSV1 and HSV2, there’s a lingering fear of having “both” herpes if you’re someone who is newly diagnosed. Some people who have one type of herpes will only choose to date folks with the same type. This doesn’t exempt you from getting something worse than “the other” herpes like a broken heart. For those diagnosed with both types of herpes, you may initially find it challenging to accept because you yourself may not believe that someone’s going to put themselves at “double the risk,” but you’d be surprised.
One of my first podcast interviews with a doctor about the difference between HSV1 and HSV2 was an absolute shock for me. He said that nobody wants to associate kids with an STD. When I heard that, all the things I thought I knew about type 1 and type 2 from a stigma perspective went out the window. That was liberating for me and I was able to more freely date people I liked regardless of the type of herpes they had. Think about it, the medication is the same for each, the expression is the same for each, and the TYPE isn’t stigmatized, it’s the location that’s stigmatized. So while you may have HSV in one location and may fear getting the other “type,” I invite you to consider if it’s the type or the location that’s the issue.
Passing It On
As mentioned above, it is all about location. Some people who get cold sores refuse to accept that oral herpes lead to genital herpes. Some people who get genital herpes are thankful they can keep that hidden from the world and not face any public stigma for having it on their face. When dating someone who also has herpes, that fear of passing it on is alleviated for the most part. Recall how you may have felt upon your diagnosis. Now imagine revisiting that again when you believe yourself to be at fault AND feeling guilt in having to support someone through that. Scary, right? Well, dating someone who has it has already been through that so if you cross-types so to speak, that process is likely to be something to just laugh about. I keep referencing the www.spfpp.org/data survey but it’s relevant again to mention that more than 70% of people who had a consenting sexual partner who was either HSV negative or didn’t have symptoms said they hadn’t passed it on. So if 70% something of people are NOT passing it on to partners per the survey responses, then what’s the likelihood of doing so with someone whose body already has experience with the virus? Just a thought. So the fear of passing herpes on to your partner is minimized.
Partner’s Reluctance To Contracting It
Nobody WANTS herpes. I’ll acknowledge the few people in relationships where the partner who has it is so afraid of passing it on that the sex is trash, leading to the non-positive partner just wanting to get it over with so they can stop using condoms. Yes this is a thing. But when dating someone who also has HSV, you don’t have to deal with those added layers of safety precautions that can minimize you to just an infection. I hear about people in discordant relationships who don’t have sex often, they wear latex gloves for foreplay, apply Reynolds wrap to their boxer region for penetration, use barriers for oral (nothing wrong with this, just not for me), and wash their hands between touches. Do you know how much GOOD sex you are missing out on because of how big of a deal can be made about this virus? There are people who genuinely don’t care about contracting herpes and I know it because I’ve met and interviewed them on my podcast. But you, as someone choosing to only date someone with herpes are here for the benefits so there’s a LOT more freedom and presence in a sexual relationship where sex without those thoughts crossing your mind can occur. The absence of reluctance, hesitance, and resistance really does allow for us to be present in the moment with our sexual partner(s), which…is the hands down hottest sex you can have. So if you choose to have sex only with people who have herpes for THIS reason, I understand.
Final Considerations
Is this a choice? Really ask yourself that question. If you’re making this choice to only date others who have herpes out of fear, then is that a choice really? If you’re choosing because of a reason listed above or something else, then let that be the intention you lead with. I wish you the best in your searches, and hope that you’ll choose to look at your choice of a partner beyond the limitations of sharing a health condition. Fear-led relationships don’t last because the stress of compromising who you are will kill you way sooner than loneliness in a relationship caused by fear of rejection ever will. Reflect on your intentions with the relationships you’re seeking. One way to do that is through a mindfulness meditation and presence practice, which you can explore at www.spfpp.org/yoga. Happy dating!
Source Article: https://www.pornhub.com/sex/concordant-dating/