SPFPP 325: Discordant dating with herpes

Five Things To Ask Yourself Before Dating Someone with Herpes

Discordant relationships in the herpes community are common. According to the 2021 HSV survey conducted by Something Positive for Positive People, a 501c3 non profit dedicated to connecting people navigating herpes stigma to support resources, 62% of people living with HSV had at least one non-positive partner consent to sex without barriers after disclosing their herpes diagnosis to them.

What this says is not only that discordant relationships with herpes positive people are more common than only herpes positive only relationships, but it also shows the willingness of non-positive partners to still engage sexually with partners despite the risk of exposure to HSV. In this blog post, I want to highlight just some things to consider when in a discordant relationship that we’ve heard from individuals in discordant relationships. 

In a previous article (Link to how to handle someone telling you they have herpes here) we talked about meeting someone’s disclosure with gratitude and curiosity, but then what comes after that? Let’s explore that now! We’ll start with the common considerations. Ask yourself the following questions before moving forward with someone who has herpes.

1. Ask yourself “What do I already know about herpes? When someone is disclosed herpes to, especially by someone they intend on having sex with, there initially can be shock. If you haven’t been told this before, there’s a lot of processing that may need to happen in that moment because you want to say the right thing in response, but you’re also having your reaction to the news. This is completely normal. If someone is disclosing their status to you, they generally have a good amount of knowledge on what it takes to keep their symptoms manageable if they have them, and ways to keep their partners safe. As mentioned, meet them with gratitude and curiosity. The curiosity can start with just asking what does a relationship look like, and what resources can you look up for yourself to understand better.

2. Ask yourself, “Why do I want to have sex with this person?”. One thing I hear from many people diagnosed with herpes who are upset about it initially is “I knew I shouldn’t have slept with this person.”. This may seem like a larger step considering if we’ve never considered our reasons for wanting to sleep with someone before besides finding them attractive, but this is also a great way of identifying better partners for yourself in the future as well. Be real with yourself about what happens IF you do expose yourself to herpes through this particular person and how you may feel about that. GetRealWithDakota on Instagram has a great post on determining whether or not to move forward with someone sexually.

3. “Do I already have herpes?” The CDC says millions of people across the globe have herpes. In some countries there’s no stigma at all, but here in the USA we know the psychological impacts of a diagnosis on one’s mental health thanks to organizations like SPFPP who investigates this. What many of us don’t know is that the CDC doesn’t recommend herpes testing so therefore when we go to our doctor and ask to be tested for “everything”, we sometimes have to include our request for herpes testing. There are a few reasons doctors don’t want to provide herpes testing aside from that the CDC doesn’t recommend it.

1. The tests aren’t always accurate - False negatives or positives are common so it’s best to only get tested when symptoms are present

2. The psychological impact isn’t worth knowing

3. Herpes is a tricky virus we don’t know much about aside from that it lives in the nerves and then emerges to the surface of the skin on the affected area periodically and is treated with outbreaks

4. If you get coldsores, you have herpes - Coldsores are herpes and can be passed on to one’s genitals

If you are unaware of your status, what I found to be most consistent is to just test when or if symptoms present themselves as blisters or a bump near the genitals or mouth which are where herpes likes to present itself.

1. “What if I get it?” is another huge question and the answer is that you might not. Many people are unaware of their herpes status, and your chances are lower with someone who has herpes AND knows they have it AND is willing to communicate that to you than someone who may not be so communicative. This is because people with herpes know what symptoms to look out for prior to outbreaks occurring in order to minimize your risk of exposure to the virus. They’re more likely to be in tune with their bodies and freaky because even in those moments of sexual contact with the affected area being off the table, that doesn’t mean being sexual is off the table. We can get REAL creative.

2. This one is so simple, but really the most important: “What do I want?”. Far too often we ask others this question, but aren’t quite in tune with ourselves to not only know the answer, but to recognize what isn’t that. We can save ourselves and others a lot of time and emotional exhaustion if we’re able to recognize what our bigger picture is so that we can see that picture and then measure it up against the person in front of us we’re looking to be intimate with. This will let us decide more quickly if we want to move forward or not. Dr. Evelin Dacker’s STARS Talk offers an amazing framework for identifying what we want for ourselves in relationships and helps us communicate that to potential partners.

In conclusion, discordant dating is common. Understanding yourself is always going to be a great starting point for choosing whether or not to move forward with someone who discloses their herpes status to you. The significance of herpes really is only an issue during outbreaks and disclosure. It’s only a big deal during disclosure because of the stigma behind it causing a person to be fearful of the unpredictable response a person may have to the information. If you want to be with that person, be with that person. Don’t let stigma get in the way of a good time or lifetime.

If you’re someone who doesn’t have herpes, but considering dating someone who does have herpes, consider listening to these SPFPP podcast episodes on “discordant dating” which can be found by visiting www.spfpp.org/podcast and searching “discordant dating” for the episodes.

We are excited to announce our upcoming "Letting Go" series, a set of restorative yoga and meditation classes inspired by David R. Hawkins' book "Letting Go." This series is designed to assist individuals in releasing the emotional weight of herpes stigma, thus fostering healthier and more emotionally balanced relationships, regardless of their or their partner’s herpes status.

For those interested in joining this transformative journey, registrations are now open. You can sign up for the "Letting Go" series at www.spfpp.org/yoga This is an opportunity not just to learn yoga but to embrace a path that leads to emotional freedom and healthier relationships. Join us, as we embark on this path of healing and self-discovery together.