SPFPP 215: Belonging Series - Identifiers
There are three main characteristics projected onto my by the expectations of others. My masculinity, my blackness and my queerness are all labels that, while valid af, are still invalidating to me because I don’t fit into any of these. Masculinity as what it means to be a man directly challenges what it means to be queer, directly challenges what it means to be black. I’m a walking contradiction of these identities. Yes I am Black. Yes I present masculine. Yes I occupy queer spaces. But who approves or rejects your blackness, queerness, masculinity, or any identities for that matter?
After being challenged about my dating profile saying “queer-friendly”, I decided to explore any internalized phobias within me. It isn’t that I’m rejecting my queerness, it’s that my queerness directly rejects me. Then I had to ask myself wait, why does who I have sex with qualify or disqualify my queerness? Do I need to “prove” myself to the queer community by somehow proving I’m not attracted to men/masculine presenting people? Why would I have to do that? I don’t challenge others’ queerness, so why challenge my ‘straightness’?
I was asked how I’d feel about someone putting “black friendly” in their dating profile and my visceral response was, “Well I see BLM in people I’m attracted to’s profiles all the time so same thing. It just makes me feel like they’re down with that brown if you know what I’m sayin’.” So the argument there really stems to this three way conflict of queer, black, and masculine. As a black man, especially as a black man who also dates outside my race, I need certain qualifiers to know I’m safe. I present super straight and super black, so if I don’t use qualifiers such as ‘queer friendly’, then how exactly am I supposed to welcome in those who are matching my vibe/energy? I only have about 3 pictures and those first three description lines in my profile to demonstrate that there’s more to me than what is presented on the surface.
The identifications of being a masculine, queer-friendly, heterosexual black man can come with some stereotypes, and I’ve done the work to dissolve those through my ongoing challenging of the status quo that comes with these labels. The more I looked at the three and saw their conflicts, the more I realized that I was trying to label an integrated identity here. Something like ‘hetero-queer’ still felt off to me. After reflecting and lots of conversations, I realized I was feeding into the status quo that I have spent at least the last 5 years aiming to dissolve by attempting to identify a label that ‘fit’ me.
Truth is, I have no role models at this intersection of identities. You know why? Because I AM that role model and you should be yours as well. Nobody is “like” me because I’m the only person who’s had my experiences, just as you are the only person who’s had yours. It’s important that we shave away these expectations projected onto us as the norm and get to the core of BEING. This space is where identification is no longer necessary because you just ARE. BE yourself. That means challenging identities that were placed on you that you disagree with, don’t exclusively fit into, or . . . if you do agree, then shit, validate yourself in that. No one should be able to tell you where you fit in because wherever you are is where you fit in. We are all unique, and the discovery of that means examining internalized stigma, checking your privileges and healing.
It isn’t a matter of integrating conflicting identities, it’s shaving away societal expectations of what it means to fit into those identities to connect to who you are at your core. These identifiers were added TO your core and serve as a smokescreen disconnecting you from your core of BEING. In this space, you don’t need identities, labels, expectations, you just get to BE who you are.