When a partner changes their mind
by Courtney Warren Brame Hi Courtney,
My boyfriend and I are going through a breakup. We dated for 3.5 years and one of his main reasons for breaking up is having to use condoms. He doesn’t have herpes, and I do. That’s some of the deepest heartache I’ve been through over the years. The hope that finding an understanding partner gives you, and then when they change their minds it’s extra tough. I’ve been suicidal about it in the past (leaving me feeling like damaged goods; I come from a conservative family so haven’t been able to open up to them), but time and inner work have me in a stronger place today.
Can this issue be added as a topic for a video (when once understanding partners change their minds and depart)? Is there a chat room we could set up for supporting each other through this type of thing? I know there’s one on the Positive Singles app, but I like your group better.
Thank you for everything you do for the group! Huge hugs!!!!
Warmly,
Anonymous
I’d like to first thank you for reaching out and for sharing this with me to be shared as a potential lighthouse calling in others of this shared experience.
I have a few questions to put out here and I’ll answer them according to what I think is being asked based on the information we have available to us.
You and your boyfriend “have” to use condoms. “Have to” is an interesting word choice
Is this his choice?
Is this your choice?
Is this an assumption?
If this is his choice to wear condoms and move forward, I’d like to believe this means he is understanding of and accepting of the risk of possibly being exposed to the herpes virus. People can shed the virus “genitally” in the pelvic region where boxer shorts would normally cover up the area. A condom only covers the penis if we are assuming an external condom being used. If this is his choice to continue wearing a condom and now YOU don’t want to wear a condom, we just have to respect what makes our partner feel safe as long as it isn’t inhibiting our safety as well. If he wants to wear condoms and you don’t want to wear condoms, I think that is just one single incompatibility that can’t be worked through, and rightfully, the relationship should end if this is as important to you as this seems.
If ending the relationship because YOU want to wear condoms and he doesn’t let’s look at that. There is always a potential for exposure to herpes whether we do or don’t use condoms. Perhaps your partner always wanting to wear a condom is triggering your feelings of disconnectedness. It can also feel like you aren’t as close to the person you want to feel closest to, and wearing a condom for some folks can be triggering to the fact that people don’t feel “safe” being intimate with you. That ongoing reminder tends to go away for some of us when a partner decides they would like to forego barriers as shown in the 2021 SPFPP Survey more than 70% of people with herpes engaged in consensual sex without use of barriers with a partner who has a negative HSV status. This can negatively contribute to one’s emotional well-being, as it’s just as traumatizing to be reminded of the distance between yourself and the kind of sex you want to have with someone. Understand that there may be some internal conflict between “safe” sex and condom use, respecting and or protecting your partner from exposure to the virus, but if your partner is okay with the risk and all test results are to the others’ liking, what’s the barrier to removing the barrier? It’s just as important for us to realize OUR risk tolerance and be cognizant of that as it is for us to look out for their health. It is an emotional roller coaster to be diagnosed with herpes, so it is understood why you would want to PREVENT a person from being diagnosed with it, but if they see you’re worth it, why can’t you see you’re worth it?
We often default to the fact that the CDC says wearing condoms prevents STIs, when that isn’t 100% true. Wearing condoms CORRECTLY 100% of the time and the right size and under appropriate conditions MINIMIZES the possibility of STI transmission, but it does not bring it to zero. If you are using condoms exclusively because you assume this is how to prevent yourself from passing herpes on to a partner, you have to ask yourself and your partner, “what happens if you get this?” I encourage this conversation between discordant couples, and while for this person, it sounds like that conversation may have been had or not, but the person changed their mind about how they felt, which, consent is revocable at any time, but that does still suck and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this after so long especially. After 3.5 years for him to still test negative speaks to another SPFPP statistic that shows more than 70% of discordant partners have NOT gone on to pass herpes on to the partner who didn’t have it. This information is not common knowledge, so perhaps we assume that when we have sex with someone they’ll get herpes, and they assume having sex with us, we’ll give it to them. Survey says that all these assumptions are up for being challenged and they should.
I brought this up to some people with herpes and everyone agrees this is a terrible situation regardless what the reason is for condoms being an issue. Some people ALWAYS wear condoms to avoid pregnancy, others for the reasons I listed above, but we all agree that the work you’ve done on yourself in order to get to the place of asking that question and seeking support needs to be recognized because breakups aren’t easy, especially when this feels like something so out of your control. The emotions you’re experiencing right now are hopefully getting lighter as you share and extend an invitation for community. Where now there isn’t a community that exists exclusively for this, Something Positive for Positive People does facilitate various events like workshops, Yoga classes, and offers 1-1 support calls for people struggling with herpes stigma. Not to be that guy who goes “Have you tried Yoga?” but I strongly encourage it in this community, especially to be supported as you navigate these complex emotions and get yourself back out there to find the love you want.
Courtney
Source URL: https://www.pornhub.com/sex/partner-changes-mind/